By the time I was 21 I had already been in a five year relationship. When it ended, I pretty much believed that once past the two year mark relationships couldn’t be very romantic, fun, or inspiring anymore. Not on the level I craved anyways. This wasn’t just based on my own experience, but it was apparent in every other couple around me. I had grown up watching my celebrity looking mother wear shades to cover black eyes. I saw one miserable heartbreak after another. The ever after was just lame, full of dull compromise, and sometimes horribly worse.
Then I moved down south and got caught up in being in love again. Five years and a beautiful little two year old girl later and there I was again. Lonely. Upset. Needing more. I started going to a church that actually prayed. And I mean on their knees crying out to God for a move in their life praying! So I very self consciously made my way to the alter and got on mine and began seeking Him and the love promised. I had been a Christian since I was 22. I really didn’t live like one though. I was saved and that was good enough. Until then. Until I knew my life just wasn’t where I wanted it. My heart was aching and this God I knew enough about was capable of a whole lot more and wanted me in on that. I just had to get on board. So I surrendered my life. Soon after, I was convicted to stop acting like I was married to my live in boyfriend and honor His way. I felt like we had a commitment a piece of paper wasn’t going to add anymore to our relationship, but if the God of the universe was telling me I should get married, who was I to argue? You can imagine how shocked I was when I told the dad of my child that we should get married and he replied, “I don’t want to marry you.” I said, “Well I can’t go on living like we are then,” and he said fine. I was hurt, even though our relationship had been a major strain (to put it mildly) on the both of us for quite a long while– before our child even. Thankfully, my employer gave us the opportunity to move out of state to work for the summer. I took it like it was a roll of hundreds!
I was freed. I mean I felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders, I felt so beautiful and full of opportunity again. I decided I would date casually. Meet new people and see new places. Then I came to my senses. I don’t actually date. I can’t pretend to like people. I would rather hang out, and if I’m not attracted, then I just can’t lead them on by accepting dinners, gifts, ect. So I decided no mingling. That worked out wonderfully, until a fun-loving big blue eyed co-worker became my closest friend.
Well the Lord had slowly been revealing how my sorry outlook on love was actually a lie this world has piled up in me–the truth? Relationships don’t have to be heartbreaking or continuously dull. No, there’s hope. He’d been teaching me what love and charity really meant. How He was the Only One to truly satisfy, and a marriage has its limits, but has it great benefits too! So I trusted Him to guide me when I started getting serious with this new guy. My conversations with God and the Wonderful Counselor began like this: “Lord if its pleasing to You, then let me know. If its not, then let me know……. Amen.”
I REALLY liked this guy. He was sooo much fun, had so many of the same goals, desires,and interests that I had-AND funny as you like. This was the best I’d ever had it. Well I opened the Bible (asking the Holy Spirit to guide my hand to what I needed to hear) after praying and it was NOT good. The Lord was talking about exposing Israel’s shame in their lusts for others.
I waited a few more days, I was working with this blue eyed man so there was no getting away totally. I just hoped that Word wasn’t really directed at me. Anyone who knows the Bible knows there is a whole lot more about love, peace and redemption than punishment. I figured I just opened it up to the wrong place.
I really didn’t want to give this guy up, but after three days of praying and opening up to the same message twice more (different places in the Bible, but all seriously bad consequences to follow sexual immorality, and lusting after things not the Lords. I knew it was no coincidence. I had to put a stop to the rolls in the hay. Yes, I thought about sex that casually. Never slept around promiscuously, but it was far from sacred in my screwed up mind.
I had a hundred different thoughts in my head about how this was going to go with this guy I just adored. The worst being him telling me that he was cool with it, but finding other girls to sleep with behind my back- because I figured he came overseas to really experience ALL America has to offer. I didn’t want him falling for someone else, and thought he probably would just get bored, and it would fizzle off without some romping around. I almost convinced myself to just go ahead, its just SEX. Everybody is doing it. I’m not a prude I told myself, and now im going to look like one (another misconception I was prey to). Yet by this point I knew Gods take on sex, and knew very well that casualty was a lie. He’d already told me I had to stop with someone I was with for years, and had a child with! It was like I took that gift of forgiveness and tossed it. I had made God mad, and after all He’s done for me, and the way He loves me is way better than any man– no matter where they’re from or how great they are! Or how lonely I felt in bed at night.
So after a few days of misery I swallowed the lump in my throat, told my fear to shut up- that I don’t care about anyone’s but Gods’ opinion of me, looked the Irishman in his big baby blue eyes and said, “I cant sleep with you anymore.”
Five and a half years later and we’re still so in love, and going to celebrate our fourth anniversary February ’16! We work together, own a business together, have been to Ireland twice together, raise a daughter together, go to church and minister together, but most importantly we seek to follow Jesus in all things together. It wasn’t easy to stay abstinent, but now I trust God even more to deliver me from temptation, and I trust my husband now because I know he can say no to the temptation. It’s no cake walk, by any means, but the excitement and adventure are still here. Yes we have our dull moments, but I know they’ll pass.
The best things in life are even better when done with Gods blessing.
The Lord formed you in your mothers womb, knows everthing about you (Jeremiah 1) and is willing to guide you in all paths of peace (Isaiah 45) I had messed up, but God forgave me my sins, and He will yours to, if you just ask. Be blessed. Its the best way to live